You Are the One You've Been Waiting For - Richard Schwartz

Another brilliant book by the founder of Internal Family Systems, published last year and my new favourite book on relationships.

Using the IFS theory to explain how common ideas about what causes relationships to break down (e.g. poor communication, lack of empathy, failure to meet each others’ needs etc.) might be wrong, or certainly not the whole story. Central to IFS is the idea of multiplicity of mind- we are not monoliths and contain many sub-personalities or parts. We intrinsically understand when someone says “A part of me feels…” and Dr. Schwartz sets forth his model that makes so much sense I can’t imagine many people won’t take to it naturally.

In this book Dr. Schwartz explains how we usually respond to difficulties in relationships- trying to change our partner/s, trying to change ourselves, or disconnecting and numbing ourselves. Here readers learn to instead ‘go inside’ and find ways to become the primary caretaker of their own vulnerable, hurt, burdened parts. Our partners are then able to be the secondary caretaker.

Becoming more consistently Self-led is a continuous work-in-progress but the positive effects are undeniable. We would all do well to become (as Dr. Swchwartz puts it) more courageously loving, and this book will start to explain how we begin that journey. I honestly can’t recommend this book highly enough.

The Light Beyond - Raymond Moody and Paul Perry

Dr. Moody has spent most of his career researching near death experiences and shared death experiences. He first published a book in 1975 with Elizabeth Kubler Ross which reported the many strange occurrences people had around death and the dying.

Following the death of someone very dear to me I turned to this body of research and have found it incredibly comforting. Many things in this universe are (as yet) beyond explanation. It is a matter of belief rather than something that can be stated as a matter of fact (though in his most recent book ‘Proof of Life After Life’ Dr. Moody asserts the evidence is there). I think the spiritual dimension of our lives is most often the one which is most overlooked, though it can be immensely rewarding.

Have a read and make up your own mind.

No Bad Parts - Richard C. Schwartz

This is a strong one. Written during the pandemic by the originator of Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), No Bad Parts explains how to get the different parts of ourselves to work together towards wholeness. Most of us are aware of an inner critic, an inner child, a clown, a judge, a rebel or an inner saboteur (thanks RuPaul) and we might even feel we have different personalities that present in different contexts for different reasons. Despite this, it is usual for us to believe we are just one person, and anything otherwise might suggest we have some pathological disorder. IFS explains this multiplicity is not only ‘normal’ but presents an opportunity for understanding, cooperation and cohesion within ourselves. I believe this therapy makes increasing sense and I predict it will be a major modality in the future.

Atomic Habits - James Clear

During the Covid years our lives changed in ways that would have seemed incomprehensible pre-2020. Many of us lost a great deal and most (if not all) my clients are still dealing with the after effects of those years. If there’s anything that helps humans to survive it is adaptation, and this book can help with reclaiming or re-establishing some of the healthier routines that were disrupted- for me, it was exercise- something I can’t say I truly enjoyed in itself but was a part of my life that worked in helping me stay in relatively good condition. This book is a best-seller, so obviously appeals to a lot of people. It is simple and practical and when you take on board the strategies outlined, it can be life-enhancing in its utility.

Needing to Know for Sure - Martin Seif & Sally Winston

This one is for the anxiety and OCD sufferers out there. In straightforward language and useful case studies, the authors lay out a clear plan for dealing with that tricky and sticky problem at the centre of the anxiety struggle: uncertainty. Sometimes it seems like the only thing we can be certain of is that life is uncertain. But we can find it really hard to tolerate this reality. Helping us appreciate that certainty is a feeling, not a fact, and presenting us with CBT-based strategies for discriminating between thoughts, feelings and real emergencies, embracing the uncertainty that is ever-present, avoiding reassurance and ‘floating above the feelings’ while letting time pass, this book will (I’m pretty certain!) help a great many people.

Sex When You Don't Feel Like It - Cyndi Darnell

I found this book to be fantastic, full of brilliant exercises to enhance self-awareness and written in such relatable language for all ages, genders and sexualities- it’s so inclusive. It was published after I had completed my psychosexual training but it would have been a very useful core text. Mismatched sexual desire is a very common complaint from people in sexual relationships and this book really helps to understand and overcome this issue but more than that it contains essential practices for understanding ourselves, our bodies and our minds individually and in relationships, and how to talk about what we want, and how to know why we want it. There is a wealth of information and advice from an incredibly knowledgable expert, illustrative case examples and many questions aimed at helping us reflect on how we got to where we are and inviting us to fire up our imaginations and change things for a more fulfilling and empowering (sex) life: as Cyndi sees it, sex is a relationship to life.

Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving - Julia Samuel

This book by psychotherapist and paediatric counsellor Julia Samuel is full of wisdom from her decades long experience. There are lots of incredible and moving case studies, though it is obviously very heavy going. I bristled a little at the “men are like this… women are like that…” but it’s a very small and subjective gripe that seems insignificant against the sensitive and beautiful descriptions of supporting those who are dying or bereaved.

Julia published another book more recently (also excellent) called ‘And This Too Shall Pass: Stories of Change, Crises and Hopeful Beginnings’ which focuses on what she terms “living grief”- the very real and difficult feelings that sometimes accompany other losses and endings that we all experience throughout our lives.

A Year to Change Your Mind - Lucy Maddox

I read this newly released book over the Christmas and New Year holidays. Usually I have a bunch of books on the go concurrently, and it takes me a while to finish them as I generally consume a chapter at a time. This one though I digested in a more relaxed and mindful way and I think it’s at least in part because the writing is so appealing. Like a long conversation with a really good, wise friend (who happens to be a highly skilled clinical psychologist..).

When I started my training, Lucy was my very first ever clinical supervisor. I felt incredibly lucky at the time, as she was so warm, generous, supportive and engaging. Looking back I can see how much of the therapist I have become, and the way I work, is grounded in all she taught me. This book sounds very much like talking to Lucy- she is smart, knowledgable and professional but never patronising. She has a way of connecting on a human level that I think can’t be taught in the academic sense but comes from living a thoughtful, compassionate life.

The book is full of wisdom from Lucy’s years of experience- each chapter has ideas to benefit us all. No one month was my favourite above another but I loved the epilogue, which felt much like the therapeutic ending letters Lucy coached me to write for my clients during my training, bringing together all the things we had learned through our time in sessions.

Mindsight - Daniel Siegel

Daniel Siegel is a professor of psychiatry and has written many books- this is the first of his I have read (listened to- read by the author- personally I think this adds something).

‘Midnight’ is a term Dr. Siegel uses to describe the capacity for humans to perceive their own minds, and that of others. It is a learnable skill and the basis for emotional and social intelligence. Dr. Siegel describes how the use of mindful attention can change the structure of the brain and help us attune with others, enhancing awareness and clarity of our inner world and deepening our relationships. He explains how to ‘name and tame’ emotions and how over time states can become traits.

There are fascinating case studies (one client he successfully treats is in his 90’s) as well as neurobiology for the geeks!

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read - Philippa Perry

Philippa Perry once gave me some really sound advice, it meant a great deal to me then and I hold it dear to this day.

I have a lot of admiration for Dr. Perry and look forward to her regular column in the Guardian every Sunday. She always seems to hit the right note and I appreciate her balance of warmth and wisdom. She is hugely experienced but manages to communicate human connectedness, commensurate not condescending.

Now, I don’t have children, but I loved this book and can see it being useful for all of us. We are all in relationships with each other, and dynamics are often impacted by how we were parented. There is no perfect parent. Children need love and safety (see Sue Gerhardt’s Why Love Matters) but we all have baggage from our childhoods and all parents will miss the mark sometimes.

I recommend also Dr. Perry’s ‘Couch Fiction’ an illustrated story about her work with a particular patient (and her own inner workings) illustrated by her daughter Flo, as well as ‘How to Stay Sane’. Actually everything I’ve seen/heard/read from her has given me something useful.

Staring at the Sun - Irvin Yalom

This book from esteemed psychotherapist Yalom grapples with that big existential threat we will all face- death and dying. Some clients will come to the therapy room with a clear preoccupation about this very subject, though it seems most human brains have some sort of override function which prevents us thinking too much about our own mortality on a regular basis.

Yalom writes beautifully and I really enjoy his descriptions of encounters with patients, always so human and often prepared to share something of his own journey with them.

I read this one some time ago but what I still remember is how death anxiety could be understood as a fear of not living, something we have the ability to rectify in the present.

The Choice - Edith Eger

Edith Eger, a friend of Viktor Frankl, published a book decades after Man’s Search for Meaning. The books are thematically related and had a similar effect on me- I highly recommend both.

If you’ve ever felt hopeless or lost in life, I encourage you to absorb these profoundly humane books. They engender a sense of perspective and compassion that is truly priceless and in my humble opinion, would support humanity in the next stage of evolution.

The Devil You Know - Gwen Adshead & Eileen Horne

This is not a cover of the song by Sonia. This book is about working therapeutically with people who have been incarcerated, having been convicted of some of the most horrendous crimes.

Such a patient population does not usually garner much empathy, and it is hard to imagine how Gwen would be able to do the job she does. The following quote sheds a little light on this: “Over the years, I’ve come to think of my patients as survivors of a disaster, where they are the disaster and my colleagues and I are the first responders.”

Surely there’s benefit in understanding and pre-empting rather than reacting solely with reflexive moral outrage, locking people up and throwing away the key? Unfortunately criminals usually get access to therapy after they have committed a crime. This is a fascinating book and raises some important questions that are very relevant for today’s divisively opinionated and often intolerant society.

I was lucky enough to meet and work alongside Gwen on occasion when I was working at the Maudsley hospital. Gwen voices this book in its audio form and the warmth, intelligence and curiosity that I recall are here for all listeners to benefit from.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters - Portia Nelson

This is actually a poem- you can google it. I’ve included it here because I really love it and the simple message about perspective, taking responsibility and being an active agent of change.

Love Sick - Frank Tallis

Tallis draws on a wide range of sources from evolutionary theory to poetry and literature to explore humankind’s preoccupation with the concept of love. Throughout history, the often dichotomous combinations of experience- the agony and the ecstasy- seem to have been universal. This is especially true with romantic love.

Tallis is a clinical psychologist with specific interest in obsessive disorders. In this excellent book he uses clinical examples to describe a variety of fascinating case studies where patients are suffering with different ‘strains’ of love. There is a clue in the title- many of the symptoms described often appear to mimic mental illness. Very readable and well worth it.

Maybe You Should Talk to Someone - Lori Gottlieb

I may have said this before but I really love reading books by other therapists, especially ones where they tell stories about themselves interwoven with the case studies. This book does not disappoint. It is illuminating, funny and touching. It makes me think of Kristin Neff’s idea of human, messy compassion.

Lori’s writing is really entertaining- the way she describes her clients’ (and her own) process is more like a fiction book. It also really resonated with me.

Us - Terrence Real

This brilliant book has only recently been published and is already a bestseller, unsurprisingly. So much of therapy is about reprogramming the unhelpful things we’ve absorbed since childhood. ‘Us’ helps dismantle the unhelpful things we’ve learned about relationships with others and with ourselves.

Terry Real (aptronym!), founder of the Relational Life Institute, is a relationship therapist who breaks from convention in his client work- he is direct, ‘calls people out’ on their behaviour and unapologetically takes sides. In this book he explains why our culture of toxic individualism (what he terms “you and me consciousness”) damages bonds between partners and deftly offers practical tools for transforming relationships with the thriving intimacy found in close, connected, collaborative couplehood.

I prefer to learn from rather than live in the past but on first reading this book, instantly relatable standout moments ‘Full Respect Living’, ‘Normal Marital Hatred’, ‘Fierce Intimacy’ and ‘You Cannot Love from Above or Below’ make me wish I’d had access to this teaching many years ago.

Reinventing Your Life - Young & Klosko

If you find yourself struggling with repeated self-defeating behaviours and patterns of negative thinking along similar lines, you usually find that these problems stem from adverse experiences dating back to childhood. Many of us internalise unhelpful messages about ourselves, others and the way the world works.

This book, grounded in Schema Therapy, will interpret maladaptive narratives and help the reader find ways to break free. As with any therapy, the key is to apply the learning to your everyday life: insight alone is not enough.

Making Marriage Simple - Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt

This book is great for those who want a stronger relationship and deeper understanding of their partner- easy to read and understand with exercises at the end of each chapter. Some relationships will benefit from a book like this when therapy is not accessible for whatever reason. Though dynamics in relationships can be changed by one person, it usually works best when both partners are invested in looking at what they bring to the table and being accountable for the changes they make within themselves. Changing your partner isn’t within your control but being the best partner you can be, is.

The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel van Der Kolk

This book is considered by many to be THE book on trauma. Written by one of the world’s leading experts on traumatic stress, it brings together some of the most important breakthroughs in our understanding of how trauma affects the whole system of brain, mind, body, spirit. It is accessible, full of clinical case examples and written with a gentle, compassionate touch. Best of all, it illuminates the path to healing.