Us - Terrence Real

This brilliant book has only recently been published and is already a bestseller, unsurprisingly. So much of therapy is about reprogramming the unhelpful things we’ve absorbed since childhood. ‘Us’ helps dismantle the unhelpful things we’ve learned about relationships with others and with ourselves.

Terry Real (aptronym!), founder of the Relational Life Institute, is a relationship therapist who breaks from convention in his client work- he is direct, ‘calls people out’ on their behaviour and unapologetically takes sides. In this book he explains why our culture of toxic individualism (what he terms “you and me consciousness”) damages bonds between partners and deftly offers practical tools for transforming relationships with the thriving intimacy found in close, connected, collaborative couplehood.

I prefer to learn from rather than live in the past but on first reading this book, instantly relatable standout moments ‘Full Respect Living’, ‘Normal Marital Hatred’, ‘Fierce Intimacy’ and ‘You Cannot Love from Above or Below’ make me wish I’d had access to this teaching many years ago.

Reinventing Your Life - Young & Klosko

If you find yourself struggling with repeated self-defeating behaviours and patterns of negative thinking along similar lines, you usually find that these problems stem from adverse experiences dating back to childhood. Many of us internalise unhelpful messages about ourselves, others and the way the world works.

This book, grounded in Schema Therapy, will interpret maladaptive narratives and help the reader find ways to break free. As with any therapy, the key is to apply the learning to your everyday life: insight alone is not enough.

Making Marriage Simple - Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt

This book is great for those who want a stronger relationship and deeper understanding of their partner- easy to read and understand with exercises at the end of each chapter. Some relationships will benefit from a book like this when therapy is not accessible for whatever reason. Though dynamics in relationships can be changed by one person, it usually works best when both partners are invested in looking at what they bring to the table and being accountable for the changes they make within themselves. Changing your partner isn’t within your control but being the best partner you can be, is.

The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel van Der Kolk

This book is considered by many to be THE book on trauma. Written by one of the world’s leading experts on traumatic stress, it brings together some of the most important breakthroughs in our understanding of how trauma affects the whole system of brain, mind, body, spirit. It is accessible, full of clinical case examples and written with a gentle, compassionate touch. Best of all, it illuminates the path to healing.

It's OK That You're Not OK - Megan Devine

When tragedy and loss occur in our lives they often detonate profound emotions that can cause us to feel like we’re taken to the edge of sanity. Everything changes, the world seems altered forever. Things don’t make sense. Kind acknowledgement helps, but nothing makes it ‘better’.

Though we will all experience grief in our own unique way (variation is the norm) and it can feel like a very private pain, this book shows we are all connected by suffering. There are very helpful, simple and down-to-earth suggestions on how to support ourselves and others when we are experiencing even the acute early stages of raw grief, as well as what to avoid- toxic positivity being high on that list.

We could all benefit from deconstructing our own (as well as our collective) stigma around this very human, misunderstood process.

How to be Human - Ruby Wax

Most of us will know Ruby for her comedy but having gained a masters degree in mindfulness based cognitive therapy, she is becoming increasingly known for her books on mental health and how mindfulness can help us all in our increasingly frenetic modern lives.

Ruby has written a number of books in the last decade, all of which I can recommend, with this one being my personal favourite. I prefer to listen to Ruby narrate the book on Audible, with her co-authors- Ash Ranpura (a neuroscientist) and Gelong Thubten (a monk), who explain how mindfulness works from different angles. Obviously Ruby injects a lot of humour into the subject but the three together really bring the book alive.

Come As You Are - Emily Nagoski

A fantastic book aimed at women that merges up-to-date science about sex in a self-help format that is straightforward and easy to digest. There is a lot in here that does not speak to gender but I think there is a gap for an equivalent book or books, aimed at people who have different bodies and genitalia.

Oh and there is a workbook too!

When Things Fall Apart - Pema Chödrön

As might be expected from a Buddhist nun, this book is very grounded in spirituality. Pema talks about her own story, and how she has learned through ancient Buddhist wisdom, to ‘move towards’ painful internal experiences and use them to open our hearts, learn, grow and even find joy.

I love listening to Pema talk. So wise and knowledgable and yet so warm, human and relatable.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - John Gottman

‘Self-help’ books that have numbers in their title often make me a little suspicious, but this book from Dr. Gottman, who has been studying what makes relationships succeed or fail for his entire career, is one of the most popular and best researched. It’s also not only helpful for those in a traditional marriage but for all romantic relationships.

The ‘Four Horsemen’ (criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling) is a staple of relationship therapy. We have all probably engaged in these destructive communication styles over the years, and it’s really helpful to be aware of, and work against them.

As a basic (perhaps obvious) rule- the positive needs to outweigh the negative for a relationship to be healthy. This book lays out practical ways to get the balance right.

The Antidote - Oliver Burkeman

I came across Oliver Burkeman via his column in the Guardian. He has a somewhat philosophical style similar to Alain de Botton and the School of Life. He also has a website and has published other works though this is the only book I have read so far.

You may find The Antidote refreshing (I did). The full title is The Antidote: Happiness for People who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking. Mark Manson also does a line in anti-self-help though with a lot more swear words.

Burkeman addresses some very important ideas and movements in a very engaging narrative style. Have a look at some of his articles to get an idea of the flavour- it may not be to everyone’s liking but is one of my current favourites.

Attached - Amir Levine & Rachel Heller

I learned about infant attachment theory long before I read this book. I wish I’d recognised earlier the importance of understanding adult attachment styles.

The acknowledgement of our own attachment pattern offers the opportunity to adapt our thoughts and behaviours in order to achieve security within ourselves and in relationships with others.

I’m so grateful that a very wise and compassionate person once told me my ‘type’ is not actually my type. Such insight is priceless and has the power to change the course of ones (love) life.

Nonviolent Communication - Marshall Rosenberg

This is going to be a short one. NVC is a fantastic and fantastically simple method for communicating effectively and compassionately. Read it and recommend it to young people. It could save many many years of frustration and misunderstanding. Essential resource.

What Happened To You? - Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey

Dr. Perry has spent his career researching and working with trauma and through these conversations with Oprah, helps to explain what happens to our brain when we experience adversity in childhood, and how this affects everything we think, feel and do subsequently.

The conversational style, the moving stories and Oprah’s ability to really connect with the reader/listener make the book come alive, while the science with the clinical experience of Dr. Perry illuminates the path to understanding and recovery.

I must also mention Oprah’s ‘What I Know For Sure’ - a treasure trove of decades of distilled wisdom from the woman herself. I didn’t want it to finish.

Compulsive Sexual Behaviours - Silva Neves

This is one for the clinicians out there (though to be honest it’s so accessible I think it helpful too for relevant clients).

Silva has developed an alternative approach for dealing with compulsive sexual behaviours- the usual paradigm being the traditional 12-step addiction model.

In his own warm, funny, vibrant way, Silva explains why ‘sex addiction’ does not fit with the most up-to-date evidence, nor his extensive experience as a psychosexual psychotherapist. He proposes a treatment model and explains clearly how it all works. Or using a favourite metaphor, he presents us with ingredients and a recipe and suggests we adapt it as we see fit, depending on our experience as well as the needs and palate of the client.

This book is about much more than what the title appears to suggest, covering trauma, grief, shame, chemsex, relationships, working online and with partners and many other things.

I predict this text will be on the core reading list of any and all reputable psychosexual psychotherapy training courses. It’s as brilliant as is Silva.

Mind The Gap - Karen Gurney

How amazing it would be if this brilliant book (aimed at women but incredibly useful for a lot of men too!) was on the national curriculum…

Dr. Gurney does a fantastic job of bridging the gap between what we think we know about desire (what we’ve picked up from poor sex-ed, society, the media, porn, myths handed down from previous generations etc.) and what the most up-to-date science tells us.

Books like this make me excited for the future.

Hold Me Tight - Sue Johnson

Ever been in a relationship where you argued a lot, in the same way, about seemingly inconsequential things? Ever felt distant or alone in a relationship, unable to meet each others’ needs?

Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, shows in this illuminating book not just how to understand what is going on underneath long-standing conflict in relationships but to break damaging patterns of communication and turn them into opportunities for growth. Sue explains how have constructive, respectful conversations that lead to a strengthening of the bond between partners and creating more love, closeness, compassion and connection.

Mating in Captivity & The State of Affairs - Esther Perel

Esther Perel is a real psychotherapy superstar. I recommend looking up her online talks, her website and podcast in which she does a single-session therapy intervention for couples in crisis. She is an endlessly inspiring woman.

‘Mating in Captivity’ explores the commonly experienced struggle to balance the erotic with the domestic in modern long-term monogamous couplings and suggests ways we might be able to experience deep love and intimacy while also enhancing desire and lust within a relationship.

The more recent ‘The State of Affairs’ is also excellent and helping change the typical conversations around infidelity and paves the way toward healing and even on occasion, improving relationships following a betrayal.

The Power of Vulnerability - Brene Brown

We tend to think of vulnerability as something weak or fragile, something to avoid. We suppress uncomfortable feelings in order to put on a display of strength. Shame researcher Brene Brown teaches us the opposite is in fact true- that vulnerability itself is a source of strength, essential for authenticity, creativity and genuine connection.

Dr. Brown’s Ted talk on vulnerability is now in the top 10 most watched worldwide, for good reason. I listened to the audiobook ‘The Power of Vulnerability’ on Audible (a series of her talks on the subject) and found it revelatory. I think there has been a similar impact on culture over recent years, perhaps in part due to the nature of current technology. It seems to me to be a progressive zeitgeist moment.

The Happiness Trap - Russ Harris

Clients often come to therapy wanting to feel differently, but emotional goals can be problematic. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) focuses on ways to manage (rather than struggle with) difficult emotions, using various strategies including acceptance, mindfulness and committed action towards the type of life we value and want for ourselves. Thoughts and feelings arise and we have less control over them than we would like, but we do have agency in how we respond. It is often the resistance towards painful private experiences that intensifies our distress.

The Happiness Trap is an excellent resource and makes ACT principles very accessible, helping readers who do the exercises to enhance psychological flexibility, behave differently and live more meaningful lives.

Rewriting the Rules - Meg-John Barker

This is a book I often recommend to clients to help them reflect on what assumptions they have inherited on how relationships should work and whether they want to hold onto, be more flexible about, or rip up the old rulebook.

I am a huge admirer of the author, Meg-John Barker (please check out their other works at https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com). Brilliant, fresh, accessible and friendly, Meg-John is a leading voice in much we need to know about modern relationships (and sex, attraction, consent, monogamy, love, commitment, conflict, breakups….). An icon of gender, sexuality and relationship diversity in fact.